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I feel a tug at my heart. I can never be sorry enough. I take a deep breath, turning to face her. Carly shuts the door softly, leaning against it for a moment before turning. I sit on her bed, my heart in my throat."What did... what did you want to talk about?"Carly sits on the bed, bringing her legs up and crossing them Indian-style. "I- I've been thinking." She begins, and immediately I'm scared. Nothing good ever came of thinking. I knew that all too well. Her eyes flick up at me, "Thinking about you. About us." Us?" My voice is soft, and I'm surprised she heard me at all."Sam... I... I'm not gay. At least, I don't think I am. But,"I can't move. I'm paralysed."But... you're my best friend."I can't breathe. I can't think."That... that night was... I don't know. It was... I felt something. Even though it was..." She trails off and I wince. "I felt something. When you kissed me... I... I want... I want..." Her face grows angry. "I don't know what I want. I keep thinking and thinking. One day me and mygirlfriendJan were sitting around my house talking about boys and what bad kissersthey were and she said I bet we could do better. She leaned over to meand I let her kiss me. I mean she was my current best friend and had acute face and full lips, and I loved the feel and taste of those lips. Wejust had a few little kisses for five minutes when my brother got homeand we had to stop. She said come over to her house tomorrow night, we'lldo homework and eat pizza and watch videos and have a sleepover. Iremember being so excited trying to go to sleep that night, rememberingthose kisses and hoping for more and I masturbated for the first timewith a real feeling of what it was like to make out with a girl. The nextnight ather house when bedtime came around, she was an only c***d living with hermom who worked early, we got into bed together and I was so nervous. Wehadn't kissed again although we had messed around trying on some clothesand being kinda flirty and sexy. I.
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